genocide by candlelight

03 December 2009 @ 16:46

haven't had much to say lately. been busy beïng happy, sad, angry, thrilled, miserable, drunk, cheerful, and sleepy.

haven't recorded a fucking thing for 'flashback'. deadline was supposed to be yesterday, but noöne's said a word. the whole fucking thing is turning into a bad joke.

just started on a new nova sol album a few days ago--this one will be based on our trip to the ambassador. playing with concepts for it--i think this one'll turn out pretty good. like empty rooms, but darker and more focused.

emotional disturbance:

content

disaurientation: Nova Sol : into the heart ov a Collapsing Sun ; orbital decay

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29 November 2009 @ 05:47

fucking retarded

just saw an ad for some new MTV program called Teen Mom. the ad didn't tell me anything about the treatment, but even at its very best, this program is bound to cause more pregnancies than it prevents: even if they try their damnedest not to glamourise it, the simple fact that it's televised pregnant teenagers will make the kind ov dumbshit teens who watch MTV more likely to get knocked up, if for no other reason than that they'll feel it gives them a shot at getting on television.

this handbasket is wicker. we're close enough now that it's starting to crackle. soon we'll be in flames. i fucking hate this retarded planet.

emotional disturbance:

enraged

disaurientation: Faith Massive : 2 Edged Sword ; robotics

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26 November 2009 @ 02:43

disconcertion

pretty sure that's not a word. oh well. now a whole lot goïng on in general lately; i've been sick and chris has been sicker. at the moment, however, teresa's goïng crazy making food for fat american day.

and i think i'm actually done now. i should probably see if i can go back to sleep.

emotional disturbance:

groggy

disaurientation: Ministry : the Land ov Rape and Honey ; golden dawn

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23 November 2009 @ 00:12

contradiction

i have, in my finest tradition, once again spectacularly failed to follow my own advice.

i went to 5PC&S friday night and, for the most part, enjoyed myself. looked at pictures ov adorable wittle tigerses. read some calvin & hobbes. ate nachos. drank IBC sodas. talked and generally hung out with people (all right, mostly joy). for the most part got over myself. not completely, ov course; i'm still (even after a nice long walk yesterday) filled with an irrational rage at the entire fucking planet. i'm getting used to it again. it's kind ov like an old friend, one i've missed. drama drama pretentious bullshit etc. etc.

got a nifty book yesterday. it's called the secret king, and is about nazi occultism, both the myths spread by allied propaganda, wishful thinking and other sources, and the reality. i'm not far into it yet, but i'm already enjoying it quite a lot.

goïng to bed now. goodnight.

emotional disturbance:

bitchy

disaurientation: dreDDup : el Conquistadors ; one ov us

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20 November 2009 @ 14:38

isolation

the strange thing is, i've found that i actually enjoy beïng social--there's just way too much fallout for it to be worthwhile: it's nice to talk to people i don't know very well on occasion, but with the way the back parts ov my brain twist everything all up, it's far better in the long run that i spend my evenings with neil gaiman, dir en grey, and the cats.

the more people i meet, the more i want everything, and the less i can be content with myself and what i have--apparently there's a reason i've been a loner all these years, and it's a form ov self-preservation.

emotional disturbance:

depressed

disaurientation: Gothika : ZeitGeist ; adonis

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20 November 2009 @ 10:25

destabilisation

i think the instability ov my moods lately is partly my subconscious telling me to get back to work on nova sol stuff (not, as teresa suggested, me intentionally putting myself in a bad mood so i'd work on nova sol stuff). yesterday was particularly asstacular, and there was no reason forit, as nothing awful or even terribly inconvenient happened yesterday--well, something did ov course, but that was something that happens every two weeks and doesn't usually turn me into a vicious growling thing, so i doubt there was a connection yeterday.

but i don't feel that i can work on nova sol stuff right now, as i'm rather badly behind schedule on my cover ov ministry's 'flashback'--as ov two nights ago, i've finally settled on drum sounds (good strong kick, snare that sounds more like the beep ov an alarm, run through a distortion pedal with all the dials in the middle, and large hall reverb on the PA--yum!). still haven't gotten the timing all worked out; the drums on 'flashback' are retardedly simple, but i can't keep track ov where i change to a kick rush and where i stop altogether. if the combination ov distortion and reverb didn't make tis nearly impossible, i'd just play the basic rhythm straight through and the cut and paste as necessary. since i like to do drums first, this means nothing else has been done except for a few minutes ov bass practice, which was just enough to tell me i don't seem to be able to turn on the distortion pedal without generating a huge amount ov feedback--i'm hoping that will turn out to have something to do with the microphone stil beïng plugged in and picking up although it was turned off, but i'm pretty sure it has more to do with the pickups on the bass also functioning as a primitive microphone (it was interesting hearing snippets ov conversation turn up on the bass practice for 'stigmata').

emotional disturbance:

crappy

disaurientation: GPKism : Iudicium ; angelus (spectrum-X remix)

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19 November 2009 @ 14:39

victimisation

lady gaga needs to be destroyed. as painfully, yet also as quickly, as possible. this needs to somehow be done in such a way that people won't view it (it, not her) as a martyr. because that thing is fucking disgusting.
that is all.

emotional disturbance:

cranky

disaurientation: Naglfar : Pariah ; revelations carved in flesh

3 GOT DRUG!! | get drug?

18 November 2009 @ 19:48

photodocumentation

the promised photo dump is here!

( self-congratulatory photo dump is self-congratulatory )

emotional disturbance:

hungry

disaurientation: Naglfar : harvest ; into the black

3 GOT DRUG!! | get drug?

12 November 2009 @ 17:08

retribution

stolen from something awful again.

A man opens his lunchbox to find that it no longer contains the banana sandwich and blood-pressure medication he packed that morning. Instead, it's empty except for a button device and an ornate invitation, embossed on black-splotched stationary, that reads "Press this button, and an animal you don't know will die, but you'll receive a reward." He presses the button, and immediately a double cheeseburger appears in his hands. He devours it gratefully, chunks of meat disappearing noisily down his throat. Nothing else of interest happens during his day.

Title card: Twenty years later

The man, now in his late 40s, writhes in a hospital bed, nearing his somewhat premature death. "Oh, if only I'd made healthier eating choices," the slovenly man groans. The camera pans to the corner of the room, where a cow laughs.

in other news: still feeling vicious. also somewhat disconnected. certainly antisocial. it's good to be back.

emotional disturbance:

grumpy

disaurientation: Ministry : Live in Paris ~ breathe

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11 November 2009 @ 17:05

dissatisfaction

it has occured to me that my political views don't really align with my outlook on life.

to oversimplify (something at which, as an american, i'm very good--especially when it comes to polticis [see: two-party system {i am goïng to nest the shit out ov this motherfucker!}]), the political goals ov the liberal are primarily optimistic: 'lets change things! we can make them better! oh, and nothing bad could possibly result from letting people do pretty much whatever the hell they want!'; the political goals ov the conservative, however, are primarily pessimistic: 'we don't want to change anything! that'll just fuck everything up. but if we have to change anything, let's make some more laws and prevent people from doïng things--after all, free will is the mother ov all fuckups.'
while i'm neither entirely optimisitc or pessimistic, i am primarily pessimistic. poltically, however, i'm primarily liberal--how, with my lack ov faith in the intentions and abilities ov my fellow humans, can i justify all this cuddly-fuzzy let's-make-it-better liberal sentiment? i'm not at all sure that i can, but i don't see my political views changing anytime soon, either.

disaurientation: Nine Inch Nails : Broken ~ happiness in slavery

GETTING DRUG!! | get drug?

10 November 2009 @ 10:46

information

(ganked from

sadhaven)

The Basics
Do you have allergies?: very slight cat allergy.
Do you watch what you eat?: no, but i should.
Are you an outgoing person?: with the aid ov vodka and industrial-strength cleaning products, anything is possible!
Are you in love...?: yes, but not in the mas passionate first throes ov it kind ov way.
Are you an only child?: yes.

My Favorites
Sexy outfit?: i never really think about it...what i wore yesterday probably works: black & pink striped tights, tight full-length black skirt, black w/ silver collar & sleeve hems babydoll shirt with the orgy logo embroidered on it.
Comfy outfit?: not so much an outfit, but my red velvet pants.
Gadget?: electric drum kit + cheap distortion pedal + PA system with built-in effects processing = the most badass gadget and industrial drummer could want.
Drama TV Show?: Cowboy Bebop.
Sitcom?: Are You Beïng Served?

This or That
Trash or Recycle?: depends on the item.
Drama or Sitcom?: usually sitcom, if either.
Cake or Cookies?: cookies.
Margarita or Beer?: Margarita, simply because beer is terribly grody.
Lasagna or Spaghetti?: veggible lasagna, please.

Do You?
squeeze toothpaste from the middle or end of the tube?: end.
hang your toilet paper hung under or over?: over, but not by my own preference.
go to tanning salons?: no, but i work next door to one. i see leather people.
believe in angels?: no, especially not in the cuddly little feelgood way a lot ov people seem to do lately.
have your wedding planned out in your head?: wedding? what is this wedding ov which you speak?

Have You Ever
been to a concert?: many times.
been to a play?: yes, years ago.
been in a play?: i was supposed to be, but i quit midway through rehearsals--the bar where rehearsals took place was too smoky for me.
prank called someone?: no.
made a mistake and blamed it on someone else?: very probably.

Misc.
What would you do with a million dollars?: spend it, probably not in the most effective ways.
What is the kindest thing anyone has done for you?: i don't know...despite my general distaste for humanity, there are a few people who have done a lot ov very nice things for me.
What traits are you attracted to in other people?: intelligence, comfort with their own bodies (dated an anorexic girl once. not doïng it again), wittiness (which is indeed distinct from intelligence), a fondness for reading, a lot ov patience. a nice set ov female secondary sex characteristics is nice, too.
Who has the sexiest accents?: there aren't really any accents that i find generally sexy...as far as individual people, though, gary numan and prol king are pretty hot...so i guess british?
What is your profile song?: the only places i have profile songs, i have my own work up (usually outdated by a year or two because i never get 'round to changing them, especially with myspace's retarded limitations).

Personal
What word describes you best?: intolerable.
What is your business goal this year?: live and retain employment through holiday season.
How do you want to be remembered?: as a visionary, a musician, and a pretty good lay.
If you had to give a speech in front of a group of people, what would it be about?: all the ways humanity is spectacularly failing to live up to its potential. this could be a week-long series.
What drives you every day?: fierce passion and unquenchable desire--i'm fiercely passionate about paying bills, and i have an unquenchable desire to keep food in the refrigerator.

Firsts
time you gave a speech to a crowd?: not sure i ever have.
time you quit a job?: as opposed to getting fired? viva computers, last year.
time you got married?: this has never occured.
time you went on a date?: i was 14. so was the young lady. we went to a movie. i forget which one.
time you did something daring?: not entirely sure i ever have.

As of Now
Are you happy its Monday?: aside from the fact that it isn't, not particularly.
What are your days off this week?: sunday and possibly saturday/
What time will you probably get home today?: 7.30 or thereabouts.
Are you dressed up or dressed casual?: right now i'm in the aforementioned red velvet pants.
Are you wearing earrings?: No.

emotional disturbance:

cynical

disaurientation: Ministry : Bad Blood (Live) ~ just one fix

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09 November 2009 @ 14:55

re:initiation

getting that itch to create again. good thing, too, since i owe justin a cover ov ministry's 'flashback' in less than a month. no other news atM, except that i'm planning on doïng a photo update soon.

also: go read today's Sinfest. it's nifty.

emotional disturbance:

creative

disaurientation: Joe Hisaishi : となりのトトロ orchestra stories ~ さんぽ

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04 November 2009 @ 14:27

(anti)socialisation

people. people people people people people. oh, and people. someöne (sartre? i can never remember this stuff) is somewhat famous for having said that hell is other people. i don't know. i did the social thingon hallowe'en, and it was fun. at the crack last night i ran into some people i haven't seen in years (on hallowe'en i heard that em was back at the regency crack and that she's involved with someöne i knew in high school--three days later, i ran into the both ov them there), and it was fun. at this point i'm not sure if i've geniunely run out ov whatever it is that lets me put up with and even enjoy other people (though on hallowe'en the vodka definitely helped), or if i've just done the antisocial thing for so long that once those fiddly little bits in the back ov my brain got the message that i was enjoying the company ov other human beïngs (gasp!), they jumped right on convincing me that yes, i'm still sick ov people and no, i don't need to be enjoying their company.

on the other hand (foot?), i think it's a good thing that i'm at a point where i can have this dialogue with myself. anyöne who remembers me from parties and other social gatherings from pretty much any time before this year will probably tell you i shouldn't've been let out ov the house, and i'll probably agree with them. lately, however, it's not so much a question ov whether i should do the social thing at all (easily answered: NO) as it is a question ov how much i should do the social thing before disappearing into solitude and seclusion for a while. progress? i think so. i'm just still not entirely certain it's progress in the right direction--after all, if i was sure ov that i wouldn't even be having this discussion with myself.

also: i am well aware that this all depends greatly on who the people in question are--but admitting that human companionship in numbers greater than two at a time is at all a feasible option is a somewhat novel concept for me.

emotional disturbance:

confused

disaurientation: Big City Orchestra : Chimpy ~ F the leader

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02 November 2009 @ 15:47

inebriation

went to a lovecraft-themed hallowe'en party . somewhere along the way it became alcohol-themed. the three ov us went as characters from young frankenstein (teresa = elizabeth, chris = igor, self = dr. frankenstein). had a marvelous time, drank a fair bit, flirted with/hit on several young ladies and a charming gentleman. the gypsies, however, would have none ov it. went to spirit the next day for their last day 1/2 off sale and got a fair bit ov swag there (i hope nox arcana are good, because i now own four ov their albums). visited with tea (i met her housemates and some lovely kitties) and came home. today i am at work. good times all around? for the most part, yes.

emotional disturbance:

cheerful

disaurientation: Combichrist : Live at DNA Lounge ~ today we are all demons

get drug?

30 October 2009 @ 09:33

frustration

i am like to kill some motherfuckers at vystar and/or the georgian terrace. that is all.

emotional disturbance:

cranky

disaurientation: KMFDM : from Here on out ~ rules

2 GOT DRUG!! | get drug?

28 October 2009 @ 14:40

um...i've run out ov -ion...

maybe i'll find more next time. anyway!

went to ATL to see KMFDM and angelspit. good show, except for when lucia had her damn mouth open. on the way back, we stopped at stone mountain, where we discovered that they weren't running the skylift. grumpiness all around. however, we were able to make our way to the carillon (see resa, only one i!) and get this lovely fambly pikshur:

i might possibly post a pic or three from the concert at some point--i haven't decided yet.

emotional disturbance:

content

disaurientation: Deadskin : Affiliation ov Grotesque ~ virus maiden two

3 GOT DRUG!! | get drug?

20 October 2009 @ 15:32

malnutrition

i'll grant the possibility that bariatrics is a valid and necessary field ov healthcare. bariatric surgery, however, is one ov the most disturbing and disgusting concepts that's been presented to me: 'hey, you're fat! you should pay us lots ov money to cut you open and do horrible things to your digestive system! then you'll be nice and skinny, just like us.'

still don't see a problem? here are some descriptions, taken verbatim from a promotional flyer, ov forms ov bariatric surgery:
roux-en-y gastric bypass, in which food is re-routed through a smaller portion ov the small intestine; vertical sleeve gastroectomy, which divides the stomach and creates a small pouch; and adjustable gastric banding, which uses a silastic band to create a smaller stomach.
in other words, if one feels (or had been convinced) that one is overweight, the best option is not diet and exercise (otherwise known as self-control and work), but rather an artificial and risky (i promise more people die ov surgery than ov exercise) reduction ov appetite and/or consequences.

and how does one determine if one is overweight? according to a lovely little diagram from a bariatric surgery center, even if one is 6'3", one is overweight at 200 lbs. where the fuck do they get this shit? i don't deny that it is entirely possible to be unhealthily overweight--we've all seen beached whales at walmart screaming at their piglet children from the relative comfort ov a sit-down scooter--but as a society it seems that as we polarise into waifs and mammoths, we lose the distinction between 'unpretty' (by a beauty standard that owes accountability to nothing, and nothing to common sense) and 'unhealthy' (by a medical standard only marginally more logical). we're not even taking responsibility for something as basic as our own sense ov health and beauty--we can't really be surprised that those who have moved in to take that responsibility for us demand our money and our self-esteem in return.

emotional disturbance:

discontent

disaurientation: Coil : Akropolis ~ the universe is a haunted house

GETTING DRUG!! | get drug?

15 October 2009 @ 15:13

prohibition

who is this 'god' person to tell me i can't have sex with hooved animals? i've never been into that sort ov thing, but if the bible says not to do it, it must be kind ov hot.

emotional disturbance:

mischievous

disaurientation: the KLF : Single Box ~ it's grim up north (airplay mix)

6 GOT DRUG!! | get drug?

13 October 2009 @ 10:29

recolonisation

we've shown a gradual but definite deterioration for the past hundred or so years, while england has, for the most part, been doïng a little better than they were before. unless obama turns out to genuinely be the great non-white hope and save our asses (looking slightly less likely every day, but only slightly), then it might be time to consider giving ourselves back to dear old mum...on the other hand, they're probably better off without us.

update: just found out there's an official sarah palin PAC. it is definnitely time to give ourselves back into the custody ov the crown. i don't like the concept ov a country where it's legal to encourage people to give that batshit-crazy moose-killing twat money for her harebrained politcal halfassery.

emotional disturbance:

discontent

disaurientation: Baal : Live Clips ~ on the surface

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11 October 2009 @ 21:58

mutilation

it should tear out the eyes. razor caress the skin--especially the delicate bits. blood dryïng on extracted viscera. it should twist the bones to novel forms--spit the splinters back into the holes. it should take its time destroying. every vivid moment shooting sparks ov pain and helpless outrage. it should tear the hair out by the roots, and force-feed shove it breaking teeth. pull the fingers 'til they pop, and rusty saw the toes. chisels in the hollows where the eyes were. pliers twist a torn and bleeding tongue. it is mine and it should mutilate. it is mine, and this is why it does.

emotional disturbance:

ecstatic

disaurientation: Ætherius : Synthesis ~ descent

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